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June 2003. Stoke Newington
Rule 22: Parenting is a game of chess. Play to win.
All couples play a game called Parent Chess. The winning parent gets free time to themselves. Example…
Dad is lounging on sofa. He hears Mum’s key in front door. He quickly starts washing up. This is Tactic One: never be caught out, doing nothing.
Mum: You OK?
Dad: Yip. Bit tired.
This is an exchange of pawns. Both parents have pleaded tiredness. They’re indicating they may be physically incapable of more childcare. A good opening position.
Mum: What are we doing tonight?
Mum has brought out a knight. Probing. Dad looks into his mental diary and sees nothing except “find worming tablets” and “try to do tax return.”
Dad: Dunno. I’d like to see Gary.
His rook attacks.
Mum: But… I never see you! I thought we were having a quiet night in!
Mum is using the Standard Blocking Technique. She’s saying: “ If I can’t go out, you can’t either.”
Dad: I’ll do stories. Then go out later. You go out tomorrow.
He’s playing confidently. Bringing out a bishop.
Mum: Darling… Tomorrow it’s my Mum’s birthday dinner. Have you forgotten?
His bishop is captured. Now he’s in trouble.
Dad: What? I’ve got a gig tomorrow!
He’s brought out his other knight. This is a strong move. Rules state that both parties can always go out, for a professional engagement.
Mum: Is this an important gig? How much are you earning?
She advances her bishop. A vicious counter-attack.
Dad (weakly): 40 quid. I want to practise some new material.
He blocks with his pawn. It’s a terrible move.
Mum: I can’t cancel my mum’s birthday so you can earn 40 quid. When did you accept it?
Her knight is putting him in check. She’s suggesting the gig isn’t important. She’s hinting his professional life isn’t important. She’s moving in ruthlessly to achieve her objective: she wants them both to attend her mother’s dinner. In fact she wants more. She wants to go alone, while he babysits.
Dad: They called me this morning.
Dad has countered with another pawn. A hopeless move. They both know he should have checked the calendar.
Mum: Well.. Can’t you call and cancel?
Mum is threatening Dad’s queen. This is extraordinarily aggressive play.
Dad (weakly): OK.
He’s surrendered his queen.
Mum: Why don’t you do it now?
Mum takes queen.
Dad: By the way, Gary asked if I want to go to a festival this weekend. He’s got a spare ticket.
Dad has advanced a pawn, and reintroduced the queen. But the queen can be immediately recaptured. This is a desperate move. She’s never going to let him go to a festival. It will last all weekend. He’ll return bad-tempered and tired and incapable of decent childcare for days to come. He doesn’t even know why he’s mentioned it. But then…
Mum: Go! Sounds like fun.
This is unprecedented. She’s let the queen go. What’s going on?
Dad: Thanks… sure?
He’s trying to move his queen out of trouble.
Mum: Sure.
She’s stealthily advancing a rook.
Dad: I’ll go and do stories then.
He moves his knight.
Mum: By the way, I was thinking about Christmas. I don’t want to spend it with your family. My Mum’s booked us a cottage. I said we’d spend Christmas with her. I’ve sent her a deposit.
Mum lunges forward and takes his king. She’s gained Christmas – the ultimate prize. Mum is the champion. Mum is Garry Kasparov. Dad must try harder, or stop resisting.
Topics
In a couple, what are each partner fighting for?
In a relationship how do you get what you want?
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